Before You Walk Down The Aisle Consider This

It is virtually the wish of every man or woman to finally settle down with the love of their life. Marriage ought to be sweet unfortunately it ends up being sour for some; a number that seems to be growing by the day. In this post, we will look at some things to consider before embarking on this journey.

A. Interested in the Wedding OR Marriage?

There is a huge difference between wedding and marriage and this difference seems not to be grasped by many. While wedding involves weeks or months of preparations and planning that eventually culminates in a day, marriage on the other hand is a life-long activity that equally needs preparation and planning. Truth is that people tend to spend so much attention on a day's event believing that things will fall in place after the wedding. Marriage requires lots of planning, preparation, time and dedication to make it work. Not all expensive weddings fail neither do very cheap weddings succeed. So it is not really a question of "how much was spent for the wedding?" It is about YOU and your determination to make it work.

B. Finances

Like someone I know said, "Too much or too little money can ruin a business". Why is that so? Simple, having too much funds could lead to resource mismanagement while insufficient funds could starve the business of growth. Most business empires we know today started out small. With hard-work, commitment and maybe some financial boost, such businesses became what they are today. The key thing to note here is that a great idea with lots of determination and commitment can do much more than having lots of money. Relating this to the discussion, having a good financial state is important in marriage but it is not the ultimate. Yes, it is quite frustrating when you can't provide the basics (food, shelter, clothing and health care) for your family or when you can't foot your everyday bills. The above scenario is not one people would like to be in hence the so much emphasis on the need to have lots of money these days. There is the believe that having money brings about happiness in the marriage. Well, if this is really the case, then celebrity marriages should have lasted forever. But we know this is hardly the case. In fact, there seems to be a positive relationship between riches and divorce. For a marriage to be successful it requires more than having money. While money helps to reduce the pressures of marriage and affords you life's luxuries, it brings about another form of problem. These problems range from issues with ego to jealously to trust issues to lacking time for each other or the family among other things.

Before you say "I do" answer this question: If I encounter financial difficulties, will that be the end of my marriage? 

C. A Friend or a Stranger?

Are you guys compatible? Do you share many things in common? Do you have same or similar goals? Are you always at loggerheads, fight or quarrel? While some of these questions are answered in the course of dating, others are answered after the wedding. Some couples have said on many occasions that the person he/she married is different from the person he/she dated and either would not have ventured into it if one had known much earlier. That is why care should be taken when dating. Dating is much more than routine or an emotional response. It is a period of studying and learning. No one is perfect so you can't expect a 100% Nike Sign. You must know what you can tolerate and what you can't. You need to know whether that person fits or can fit into your future plans. You should know to a large extent when the other party is pretending and when the person isn't. Unfortunately, some people tend to use this period to be what they are not all in a bid to win their prized trophy; at the end law of 'cause and effect' ends up catching up with them. There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Real friendship is about people who are there for each other through thick and thin and not for benefits. If you marry a friend you are safe. But if you walk down the aisle for benefits sake then your marriage likely ends when there are no benefits.

D. No turning back

By default, marriage should be 'no retreat, no surrender'. You push on till the end. It is good to have this mindset before entering this stage of your life. Remember this saying, "anyone who places his hand on the plough and looks back is not fit for the kingdom"; this is so true. Marriage is not like quitting your job only to apply somewhere else. Instead it can be likened to an airplane that just passed its 'point of no return'; attempting to return to its initial position immediately after take-off would only spell doom. Though there is provision for divorce by law, having that at the back of your mind is like having an escape route and at the slightest inconvenience you bail out. No serious minded person writes an exam  with the intention to fail. That is the mind set you need to have in marriage.

On no account should divorce be supported except one party's life is threatened and 'maybe' in the case of infidelity. I used maybe because the decision to forgive lies with you and chances of you experiencing this same scenario in your next marriage (that is if you decide to remarry) is still present. Will you keep on divorcing if the issue of infidelity reoccurs?

E. Maturity

This is not about age. It is about the mind's ability to handle the marriage's challenges. It is the ability to know when and how to act so as not to jeopardise the marriage. Whether you are rich or poor you will face challenges. Money solves material problems but it can't solve emotional or egoism issues. This is where maturity takes the front wheel. There is a saying that a wise woman uses her hands to build her home while a foolish woman uses those same hands to tear down the home. This is applicable to both sexes though but because of women's role in the home I feel this was said for their sake.

Fact is most times women are the ones who decide whether the home stays or breaks. If a man is unfaithful they usually overlook it and move on. If they acted the way a man would normally act - imagine what the divorce rate would be.

You will surprised at the stories you hear. From important to very trivial matters end up consuming the marriage.

F. Ready to work together?

Two can't achieve anything except they work together. Do you see your partner as competition or someone you can gain from? The best form of relationship is 'mutualism'. Both partners support each other no matter the times - be it good or bad. There is no such thing as for 'better for best' in marital vows. You stick with each other all the time. 

Competition in marriage is terrible. Like in economics, when goods compete against each other the relationship is always inverse or 'negative'. This is because as more of one good is purchased, less of the other is purchased. Both complementary goods have positive relationships. The more of one good you buy, the more of the other you have to buy. Do you complement your partner or compete against? If in the course of your marriage, your wife starts earning more than you, would you envy her? As the woman would your respect for your husband diminish? This is where maturity and the willingness to make it work comes to play.

G. Entertaining UFOs

When I was much younger I used to be fascinated by anything that had to do with space. I read and watched movies of aliens coming down from their spaceship or flying saucers (UFOs - Unidentified flying objects). The word alien simply means: not a part of, not belonging here or not originating from a place. Before you say 'I do' you need to know the extent to which you can entertain UFOs. By UFOs I mean third parties which could be family members, relatives or friends. I am not trying to be derogatory here. Some family members and friends mean well for you others are just there to make matters worse. This set are regarded as UFOs or aliens and they need to 'talk to the (your) hand'. 

Both of you need to have an understanding. You need to draw limits to which you can allow outsiders to interfere in your marital life. What you can't resolve together you can take to a counsellor instead and get an unbiased resolution. However, in these parts some issues need to be discussed with either parents of the spouse where applicable but still exercise caution when doing so. Not everybody grew up in a home with high moral standards so taking some matters to parents that lack morals would only lead to more problems than solutions. Always remember that you both found yourselves and agreed to be with each other forever; unless, of course, your family members were the ones that joined you both without your consents.

Saying 'I do' is very easy but living it everyday of your life is the difficult part. Do not spend weeks or months planning for one happy moment only to spend years in pains and regrets. Marriage is to enjoyed not endured. It is meant to be sweet not bitter.

Before you walk down that aisle - reconsider.