KEYS TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Depending on which side of the coin you are on, marriage can either be so sweet or very bitter…very tasteful or very sour (the choice is yours).

By God’s design, opposite sexes were made to complement each other and it is through marriage that such is achieved. In other words, what a man or woman might lack as an individual is being complemented by the opposite sex via marriage. Let me give you a brief of how marriage should be like.

Let us take an example of these two combinations: (a) bread and biscuit (b) car and fuel. In the first combination, both items stand out on their own. It is either you eat bread or you eat biscuit. Both can be said to be competing against the other. But in the second combo, both items, though unique, can’t stand out by themselves. A regular car without fuel is virtually useless while fuel on its own is useless if there isn’t any car or plant to power. We say, both complement each other…. This is how marriage should be. Each person’s strength should complement the other’s weakness. But when you see your life partner as competition or as 'Chelsea Vs Man Utd', then you are already on the bitter side of the coin (more on the bitter side of marriage coming up in our next post). Now, let us take a look at the 7 keys of a successful marriage.

Key No. 1: Maturity

Let’s start by saying; maturity is not a question of how old you are. Maturity is all about controlling the emotion of self and reasoning. It is the difference between selfishness and unselfishness and the ability to handle situations objectively and not sentimentally. When as a woman you always want to have your way in virtually anything…that is the sign of immaturity. If as a man you believe that it is your right to plan and execute everything your way without your spouse to plan or challenge your decisions…then it is also another sign of immaturity. And if one of your children comes home crying; and you learned that your neighbour X was responsible; and you did not bother to find out why but went straight to warn or fight with your neighbour, then that is yet another sign of immaturity. Yes, marriage can be rosy but it does not mean that roses do not have thorns. Maturity is the ability to deal with the roots of any matter, having the mind and heart to ensure that the marriage is preserved at any moral cost and to learn that marriage is a combined effort (remember, 2 are better than one… if any falls down the other can help out but pity for the one person who falls without any to help)

Key No. 2: Communication

It is quite a surprise to see lovers, while dating, discuss virtually everything to be discussed. From the very serious issues, to romantic talks, to even jokes, lovers seem to discuss without any form of hindrance whatsoever. But the moment they become married, all the intimacy; the longing to talk as before; seem to vanish. It is as if an imaginary wall came in between them. Whether it is the pressures of marriage, work, kids etc… I can’t really say for now. But what I do know is that without communication that marriage is already heading for the rocks. Have you seen a football team go to a field without training or a team that plays without following instructions? Can you imagine the scoreline? It would take so much luck to come out with a draw. It is one thing to communicate; it is another thing to follow suit. A pastor who preaches repentance and people still go about sinning; does not mean there was no communication – the other person just did not want to listen. That is how it is in marriage. Communication is a two way thing for it to be effective. Even when it is just one party that does all the talking, it could still spell potential doom. Because the moment that one party does not initiate… silence reigns and the intimacy level reduces drastically. So there is always the need to ensure that any gap is bridged. As a couple, always ensure that you share your thoughts when the need arises and not give room for gaps via quarrels and misunderstandings.

Key No. 3: Submission

You might say, does this mean slavery? Not so. It all depends on how you look at it. Basically, there is a head in every family, organization, school, society etc. This ensures that there is order. If there are 2 captains on board a ship who would the crew members listen to? If a country is being ruled by 2 presidents, just imagine the fate of the country. In a family where husband and wife drag authority, imagine how that marriage would be. By default, by divine setup, by nature, the man is meant to be the head whether anyone else likes it or not though there is a strong desire for a woman to rule a man (Gen 3:16). However, for there to be a happy home, the woman must learn to understand that the authority of a man is already a divine mandate so why fight it. As for the man, having authority should not be a reason for abuse. Everything should be done in moderation and respect for the woman, who is a fellow partner and not a competitor or rival.

The major problem in this present time is the issue of “empowerment of women” (don’t get me wrong, a woman needs to be empowered too) BUT her empowerment should not be a basis for rubbing shoulders with her man (or husband). The modern woman is gradually turning into another ‘Man’. After all, she earns a nice income; can take care of the kids and home almost single-handed; so what is the point of having a man to order her around?

Nowadays, we have many single mothers that chose to be one rather than to be under the roof and control of a man. So, it is quite obvious how marriages would look like these days if the woman refuses to be under the control of a man. Submission is another way of showing maturity. A woman who submits simply implies that she acknowledges the man’s authority while the job of the man is to love and equally accord her respect as his fellow partner and not as a subdued foe.

Key No. 4: Love

Love! Love!! Love!!! Such a simple word but yet so misunderstood. Many at times, you here of things like ‘Love gone bad’ or ‘Love has died’ but does Love really die or go bad? Remember God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son… (you can complete the rest later). From this statement, two things are clear: Love is sacrificial; and it is not a must Love must be reciprocated before it is called Love. The problem is that most people see Love as an emotional attachment to a person or thing. So the moment the feelings are no more….then they feel Love has died. This is so wrong.

Another thing about Love is that you Love the other as yourself. That is another way of saying; what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander. In some marriages, however, people tend to see their partner as a separate entity (very distinct) and not as an extension of themselves. So they basically can treat themselves well but they would not treat their partner better because they see him or her as another separate entity. Is it not funny that a man can hate his wife but love his child (yet the child is a combination of both genes). Why? Because he sees that child as his own (an extension of himself) and fails to recognise that of his partner (I am assuming here, that the woman did not do anything evil to warrant such treatment).

For a happy marriage, Love is expressive and needs to be reciprocated by both parties for it to work. Though a woman tends to showcase Love more than a man, it is equally pertinent for the man to learn to express Love at all times. But just a note of caution, Love can’t be bought. Simply because you buy clothes, jewels, go on outings etc., does not mean that the man loves the woman nor does it mean the woman loves the man. Doing such things is good though but love is more than those that. Love is sacrificial; it is unselfish; it is patient; it is never jealous or envious nor proud; it is sincere.

Key No. 5: Humility

Some people tend to misconstrue humility with ‘shyness’ or being ‘weak’. Assuming you are a branch manager for a bank and you pass by without the security men greeting you, does it mean you are no longer a BM? The answer is No. It is not all the time you need to prove a point. Sometimes, you just have to let go of somethings not because you can’t have it but because you are looking at the greater good of that action you have taken. Now, ask yourself this; what causes quarrels, fights or even wars? Simple, one party refused to back down for the other. Each wanted to prove a point. Whenever there are issues in marriage like quarreling and misunderstanding, such arguments seem to heat up the relationship beyond normal levels just because the other felt he or she should not back down. The man wrestles with his pride; the woman simply proving that her opinion must count this time around. But humility is simply releasing the throttle of pride or self for the purpose of peace, love and other greater benefits. This is applicable to both sexes; for men it is a question of their pride while for women it is the question of submission. When there is humility in a marriage or any relationship, both parties strive to make the other better off. By this act, both are made better.

Key No. 6: Rationality

Being rational is a state of being reasonable, exercising sound judgement or being sensible. It is a matter of looking at issues objectively and judging same. Rational people place the horse before the cart and not the other way round.

People tend to be rational when resources are in short supply than when there is surplus. For example, imagine you are stranded in a desert and you have just a few supplies; and you do not know how long it would take you before you see the next town. The facts stand out:

(i) You are stranded in a desert (ii) You have supplies that might not even last for a month (iii) You either fight to live or live to die if respite does not come soon.

Faced with all this, would you eat and drink the way you would want to? Won’t you be more concerned with how to survive?

The problem in many marriages today is that couples are becoming too irrational; looking at issues sentimentally rather than objectively. And most times, it is the woman that is the major culprit mainly because of their physical make-up.

Imagine you were planning for some trip and your child was involved in a serious accident. Would you still go ahead with your trip? But the truth is that some couples are virtually ready to sacrifice their marriage just for the least of reasons. Simply because a wife did not get a car as a gift for her birthday, like how her many friends got theirs through their husbands, she is virtually ready to create chaos in the home just for this singular reason. She could go as far as denying her husband her body. Now, the question is this, if the husband ends up having an affair with another woman because of what the wife did, who ends up losing?

Have you ever wondered why the majority of divorce cases stem from the rich and influential people in society? Think about it.

For a marriage to be great, both parties need to see things as they are not as they desire it. No need doing or getting things simply because some other person has done it. Do what needs to be done to make the marriage work; place value on the marriage itself.

Key No. 7: Prayers

I saved the best for last. The truth of the matter is that we exist in a time that is very difficult to deal with. Upon all the improvements in technology, information spread, empowerment and wealth generation… the situation only seems to get worse. The divorce cases around the world has sky rocketed and marriages are broken even for the flimsiest of excuses. One of the daily newspapers wrote about a woman who wanted to divorce her husband simply because she is in so much pain each time the husband makes love to her. Can you just imagine that?

All the above keys might not be accomplished by oneself unless by factors other than just relying on one’s physical strength. Many at times you would feel that the richest people have the best of marriages…. We know better. We hear of some wealthy celebrity getting married and doing an ‘Out of the world’ wedding and just less than 5 years down the line, the marriage is over. Some have even married more than 2 times (and it may not be because their spouse died). So is it not better to rely on something that is far greater than your own strength?

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires commitment, sacrifice, love, trust, faith, care and much more. Basing your happiness on material things is baseless. Their ‘happy’ effect is only temporary. For joy and continuous happiness in your marriage, please consider the 7 keys above and most of all be prayerful.